She Must Be Faking It

“She must be faking it, after all she is an actress.” Said by a long time friend of mine. I was informed of this a few years after it was said by a mutual long-time friend who was in the room when it went down. There are so many components of my decade long battle with Lyme disease that can immediately bring about tears in my eyes but the lack of support and understanding by people closest to me, has been absolutely gut wrenching.

Why is it that the people closest to us, the ones who have been around us for the longest amount of time can be the least supportive? You might notice this when you get ill, or start a new business. Maybe you’ve grown successful in your career, or moved away and have gone about things less traditionally than most. The very people who you would think would be cheering you along, taking you seriously, and fully supporting you, don’t sometimes.

Now to be fair I moved away from where I grew up and I hadn’t really been in much communication with my high school friends often during the 5 years undiagnosed with my mystery illness. We would mostly remain in contact through a group chat on Facebook Messenger. At that time I was also getting acting jobs, working full time, going to school, waking up at 5am and working out. It was not obvious to those close to me that I was very ill and struggling, let alone those far away. High school friends could only go off what was posted on social media and I did not broadcast my swollen joints, eyes, rashes, and other ailments at that time. However, they did not see what was behind closed doors. In fact I even tried to hide my health issues from my then boyfriend of 7 years until it became very clear that there were some major health concerns going on. That’s also when colleagues and friends in my vicinity began to take note and realize that something was very much wrong.

I couldn’t hide it anymore.

During my 5 years undiagnosed I spent many days searching the internet, trying to understand why I had so many symptoms. No doctors took me seriously; I stopped going to them despite my decline in health month after month.

The only help I had and the only hope I had resided within myself. I was the only one who was going to figure this out. I had to. So that’s what I did.

I was invited to a long time friend's wedding right as I was sure I had undiagnosed Lyme neuroborreliosis but was waiting for the appropriate test results to come back. My original Western blot I had done prior at a doctor's office came back negative as most do. My bloodwork was then drawn and sent to a lab called IGeneX that tests for ALL Lyme specific bands. The CDC takes some very important bands specific to Lyme out, on purpose and many sick people receive false negatives.

At that point in time there wasn’t a system within my body that had not been affected by this disease but there was no way I was going to miss that wedding. I pulled it together, flew to Ohio, packed my own dinner in a cooler, and danced the night away. It was so great to see all my friends in one room and forget about my life for a while. That’s what bad bitches do!

I was used to hiding my ailments from everyone around me that faking it through an event was nothing. After all, I am an actress. I filmed an industrial shoot at my absolute sickest! I demonstrated products while having a swollen knuckle the size of a golf ball. Inflamed and in pain I told them I dropped a weight on my hand while working out, filming did not stop and boy could you see that knuckle!

Nobody truly knows what you are going through and because I danced the night away at a wedding I guess it discredited my decade long disease? The same disease that plagues me with irremediable health problems to this day! I’ll never know what goes through peoples heads and i’ll never have an answer to this scenario nor do I want one. Myself and those that have suffered long-term chronic Lyme disease, we know. We know. I also know that the people who have known you the longest aren’t always the most supportive. My answer: Find better friends.

Thank you for reading.

Becky