The Now
This is me after my ten year battle with Lyme disease. The hardest part is in the past now. This next chunk of life is basically a new beginning because I'm for the most part free now, to just be totally uncensored me.
I got ditched in a new city. Imagine that, ha! I move to a new city, one I would have never moved to otherwise for a boy and it ends miserably. I mean, I'm writing and talking about it so time has passed, roughly two years. My fortieth birthday is descending like an avalanche and here I find myself just, here really. "What am I doing here?" Is the question that has played over and over in my mind since I arrived. It's cold and snowy in the winter and I should just be in Cleveland by my family. The ticks in the Midwest though, there's just so many and the humidity in the summertime is disgusting. It's just Boone and I here. Maybe I'll meet someone I keep thinking. I've been on more dates in these last two years than EVER in my life. I thought about starting a reality t.v. show about dating because it's hilarious, sad, and men are very predictable beings if you pay close enough attention. But really, who would want to date the girl on a reality show who talks shit about all her dates? Yeah nobody. I'm jaded in love and life and maybe looking for something that doesn't exist in both. I seem to have been on an endless search since the day I turned 18. It's led me to New York City, followed by Los Angeles, Bellingham, and Spokane. Is it a search for happiness, love, life's passions? I don't know, I'll explore all those topics here. I've experienced so many incredible things and have amazing stories to tell but it doesn't seem to really be getting me where I want to to be. Anyway, it's a new year!
THE NEW: I'm the new me. The one moving on from my decade long battle with Lyme disease and treatment. It's never gone but there is a remission of sorts. The only thing that is not new is this debilitating eye discomfort and redness that makes me fit in with the rest in Brownes Addition. I look high as a kite, but I'm not. I guess I have this new life here in Spokane, Washington. Most days if I'm being honest it leaves me feeling lonely and reminds me of my singledom. It was so much easier living in NYC as a single 20 something with no family nearby. Everyone in this city is married with kids and then there's me. Me at holidays with other families, or home with Boone. Don't get me wrong I love being taken in by generous families on all occasions (Dr. P I'm still waiting) and I realize that I am responsible for myself being here in Spokane. I have choices and I chose to move here and stay here. Although really, I'm not completely sure of the why yet.
I started a new job; It feels liberating and new. Although, people who deeply know me are aware that I love change but also have separation anxiety nearly as bad as my rescue dog. Change in an already unfamiliar place gives me a sense of uneasiness.
Moving on
I'M FREE: To do what I want now. So, I got out of my dead-end job I've had since moving to Spokane. I sit in a cubicle now. Never thought it would be so appealing, but it is and maybe that's a sign of growth. So far I decorated my cube with a little mini tree and a salt lamp. Also I had them take the bright lights from above my head out; so much nicer. One year go I wouldn't have been able to make this leap into the unknown realm of insurance due to my health. Upon much deliberation I have decided not to return to school for my second degree at the moment. Finishing school was nearly impossible after I became ill in 2009 and since getting better I felt inclined to get back into it. Only because at one time I felt that would be the ultimate revenge to the spirochetes, (Lyme bacteria that made me unable to learn) if I finally finished school; I would have won the war against my body. But that's not it, I fucking hate school. Ultimately, my revenge is to be successful, share my story, and help as many people as I can. I have delightful things planned for myself this year. Goals that include taking steps towards writing a book, launching a second website with a protocol to help others, more writing, and acting. Possibly even dreamy wonderful things, but that's not official yet, so ya.
I'm free to move on now because I have my health and a more flexible work schedule! I can be me.
Be: Me. I haven't been able to do that very well this last decade. I did a lot of pretending. Pretending to be well, content, happy, not sick and anxiety ridden. So here I am working and learning a ton at my new job. Going to the gym and getting strong. I used to feel small especially when undiagnosed with Lyme and I didn't want to take up space in the world. My ribs would protrude from my chest and my muscles were wasting away, the smaller the jean size the better I thought. Today I am proud of my solid and strong body that takes up space in the universe and fills my jeans.
I continue to walk Boone all the time. Dating; don't get me going on dating just yet-it ain't pretty. Let's keep this part pretty mmkk. I took a year off writing and then it slapped me upside the head and I figured out how to write again. The last I wrote was a treatment style Lyme blog intertwined with life. brewlifewithlyme.blogspot.com. Brew Life with Lyme documented my treatment from just prior to my positive Lyme diagnosis ( October 2014) through January 2019. Today I'm working on my future in insurance and finding a niche for educating others on chronic illness. I get to explore Spokane and the ever changing city isn't as bad as I made it out to sound. Since the summer I started a Lyme disease support group that I'm regretting and got hired for another acting gig. Recently a movie that I was a part of was released on Amazon Prime!
We'll talk about more fun stuff but excuse me, at the moment I'm in the airport and headed to San Diego. I have a 40th birthday to celebrate. Byeiii.
Ghetto clip of movie I'm in. https://watch.amazon.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.92b71c25-1a1d-35e7-ae60-1c2069663a18&territory=US&ref_=share_ios_movie&r=web
